April 6-9

What I look for in a partner

What are the most important elements in a relationship? Above all, I believe that two partners in a relationship must share the same values. Shared values form the basis for a strong relationship because they represent commonality over a range of beliefs and ways of doing things. Additionally, they allow for mutual understanding and respect. The values I seek for my partner as much about them as what I value about myself. Hence, the three most important values I seek are honesty, warmth, and intelligence.

Shared honesty is by far the most critical characteristic for a successful relationship. I must be able to trust my partner completely because she is the one with whom I am sharing my deepest personal beliefs and feelings with her. She must also trust me in return for me to reciprocate. Vulnerability cultivated through honesty and mutual acceptance creates a tremendous emotional bond that is essential in a relationship.

Warmth means to be loving and caring. While honesty is necessary for a healthy relationship to function, warmth is what makes the relationship worth investing in. A couple is stronger than the sum of their individual parts when they support each other. Warmth in a relationship provides both parties with comfort and security, and fulfills the need for social intimacy. An important factor is that my partner’s warmth should not just be limited or conditional. Rather, warmth must be a core part of her life philosophy that guides her all her interactions with others.

I must be able to connect with partner on an intellectual level. Intelligence is the prerequisite for a dynamic and engaging personality, and is highly correlated with individuals who already have and are capable of developing a wide range of interests. The world is gargantuan, and I want to share my experiences with a willing partner who derives the same level of wonder and joy as I do in exploring it.

Courage

How do we ensure we make the most of every day?

Life is too short to live with regrets. We must approach every experience and opportunity with the expectation of success. Courage enables us to overcome fear, worry, and doubt, to help us achieve what we really want.

Courage is important to me because it gives me the ability to confront situations that would otherwise paralyze me or cause indecision. It gives me the confidence to conquer immediate discomfort to act in a way that aligns with my values and will serve me better in the long-term. Courage is an essential component of leadership, and can lead to greater self-belief and as well as better value alignment. 

These qualities benefit me by allowing me to be my best self in my social and professional lives. Additionally, courage encourages me to take on risks that will, in aggregate, improve my life in the long run.

Courage is not an innate characteristic. The trait is entirely mental, and we have the ability to gain or lose it courage on our experiences and how we perceive the world. When we exercise courage, we strengthen our tendency to act courageously in the future. The action becomes easier because we gain a reference experience that reinforces our belief we are capable of doing it again. Likewise, failing to act courageously creates negative reinforcement that we lack the quality.

Hence, the only way to develop courage is consistently practice it. Courage must be a habit and value that factors in every decision we make. We must remember that we can summon courage at any time - it is ever-present and waiting to be tapped into. Through repetition, we can fix it as a core part of our mindset. There is no better time to begin than today.

What keeps a friendship going?

Mingwei seems to have made her choice that she wants to turn the flux we have now into a lasting friendship, even though she has feelings for me. This baffled initially, but it makes sense from her point of view. She had just broken up with someone she cared about a lot, someone whom she will meet face to face soon. She’s right to be cautious that our attraction may be temporary infatuation. She does not want to rebound so quickly from break-up and create a painful situation for myself or her ex-boyfriend. And most importantly, there is little chance that this relationship will last given that we are 3 months away from being a world apart.

We enjoy incredible conversations with each other. We teach other tons and greatly value the time we spend together. It is undeniable that we can be great platonic friends and if we eliminate the possibility of romantic development, we have an excellent chance to be valued friends in the long term. A month later, after she has left Hong Kong, I sincerely hope that we can maintain a strong friendship.

On the other hand, I have feelings for her. I want to see where our mutual romantic interest will take us. So I must decide what is more important to me: a guaranteed friendship, or a romantic fling with the risk of no friendship?

Over the past few days, I have been trying to justify to myself that romance would not jeopardize my friendship with Mingwei. However, I must consider how much of our relationship is tied into romantic interest.

Would we have had these intimate experiences if I had never been interested in her from the beginning? Probably not.

Am I willing to just be platonic friends with her? Yes, if we move apart from each other and there is no chance of a relationship. At the moment, no, not when we have the opportunity to enter into a relationship, even if it is for only a month.

Would I be willing to pursue the relationship even if it means losing the friendship? No. If it meant I could have a romantic relationship with her but never speak with her again after she leaves, I would not do it. I am pursuing her because I believe it is possible for us to be friends even after knowing each other.

I believe that if we enter into the relationship with the right level of maturity, and the expectation that we will try to keep a friendship going no matter what happens, we can maintain a strong and enduring friendship. If we take this path, there are 3 potential pitfalls that can break the friendship:

Firstly, we may not get over each other, which would impact our future relationships. We may also become jealous of each other’s romantic partners, or may associate loss and hurt feelings with each other, which makes it painful for us to communicate and stay friends. I believe that only maturity and the passage of time can mitigate this effect. If we are truly compatible long-term friends, I believe we can overcome it.

What creates close friendships?

In 1961, Theodore Newcombe identified four factors that contributed to the strength of a friendship. They are:

1.       Proximity –We tend to befriend those with whom we interact with regularly. Being physically close to others helps us become more familiar with them. In particular, proximity increases the chances of repeated unplanned interactions, which can greatly help build the base for a lasting friendship.

2.       Reciprocity – We like people who like us back as well.

3.       Similarity – People who share the same interests and personalities are more likely to support each other and spend time together.

4.       Complementarity – We must derive value from our friendships and also be able to contribute value back.

These factors are important to in both building and sustaining a friendship. Some, like reciprocity and complementarity, are crucial to a healthy friendship, while proximity and similarity are more flexible. Nevertheless, they are all necessary to a degree.

A way of strengthening friendships is by disclosing our private thoughts: our deeply held beliefs, aspirations, fears, and dreams. By opening ourselves up to the possibility of ridicule, we entrust our friends to support us. Making ourselves vulnerable builds rapport and strengthens the emotional tie between people.

Managing my sleep schedule

My sleep schedule has been erratic lately. My mind seems to expect that 6 hours of sleep is sufficient and my sleep time has started drifting closer and closer to 1:30am. Ideally, I would like to sleep at 11:30pm latest before workout days and 12:00am otherwise. Is it possible to treat my sleep time like an appointment I cannot miss? Yes, but I will have to plan ahead of time.

I consider the 30 minutes before sleep my lounging around time, and it is easily one of my favourite periods of the day. I leisurely brush my teeth, shower, and read before sleep, often to the melody of relaxing music and rain sounds. In the summer, I turn my AC to nearly the max, as if to create a sanctuary of cold where I can literally just chill. Rolling under my covers is one of life’s simplest and gratifying comforts, and within a few minutes, I’m dozing off into a slumber thinking about a tennis game. Winding down before bed has become such a satisfying ritual that I find it hard to believe I used to dislike going to sleep.